i've always believed, that it was better to regret something that you did, over something you didn't do. i read, at a very young age, this very inspiring letter sent by someone sent into some magazine. probably readers digest or something. the gist of the letter was this:
you can always go back and undo something that's been done. if you can't undo it, you can somehow fix it. if you can't fix it, you can always make up for it. and, under the rare circumstances you can't make up for it, you can at least lie about it. something you haven't done, on the other hand, you'll never know about. the band you never saw in concert, the pretty girl you never asked on a date, the brilliant retiring professor you never took. it's always something.
this guy (his name was gordon, i believe), then advised to keep that list as short as possible. i think i've always sort of agreed with him. (like the red hot chili peppers song, deep kick!) :)
but what about choices? choices aren't 'do' or 'not do' decisions, because either choice can be the do, generally. i hate choices. i hate being the choicemaker. because you never know if you're making the right one.
why can't we ever be content with the choices that we make? why do we doubt big choices, invariably, that we are making, or have made? ... maybe this isn't a we. it's possible that's an "why do i," 'cause i'm a bit of a neurotic freak, but, like usual, that's a different story.
after stating that good old matrix quote, "the answer is out there. it's looking for you. it will find you, if you want it to." about a week ago, a very wise friend asked me what the question was. i, of course, didn't know. i was then told that perhaps i had the answer. that perhaps by not knowing the question, i couldn't see the answer.
i've been mulling this over for a bit. i hate the term, "what if" because there are always 'what if's. but, what if that's true? what if the answer is in front of me? what if what i think are good reasons are me making excuses? what if choices aren't something to be undone, fixed, or made up for? what if i'm just being stubborn and not accepting possibilities? what if the wrong decision was made?
conversely, however, what if doubts just come because i'm fickle? what if emotions challenge decisions that have upheld through times without emotion? what if i'm just not trusting? what if doubts that come are just... doubts? not grounded in reality? what if i'm just impatient?
problem is, i'm so fickle, that i can argue either point with myself, quite effectively. bah.
even first instincts are useless here. where do first instincts come into play? are they first thoughts? or are they first educated thoughts? i wouldn't have any problem trusting, if i knew which they were. how about the first instincts of doubt? aren't those also first instincts?
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