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today's title is brought to you by one dragonhawk. hi doc!
about a month ago, or so, i started noticing this cute girl at philz, where i had been frequenting to study, etc. we talked a few times, briefly, but for obvious reasons, i was never really in any sort of position to even think about pursuing.
so my sister comes to visit, as she did, two weekends ago (or three? whatever, it was a while back). and she wants coffee, so i say, okay, i know a place. i don't drink coffee, but everyone says it's just amazing. wait, she says. come on. you go there, even if you don't drink coffee? are there, like, lots of cute girls who work there or something? so i say, well, i drink tea, but, yeah, duh. s'why i keep going back.
so we go, and sure enough, the cute cashier is working there. we order our drinks, and i whisper to corina, "that's her." so we go up to pay eventually, and the girl says, "i see you all the time." "yeah, i come here a lot." "no," she says, "i mean like, i see you all over the place. i swear i'm not a stalker or anything, but like on the bart (subway), etc." and we laugh, and my sister is there, so we're talking about siblings and etc, and at the end of the brief conversation, i introduce myself. her name is gabriella.
so, of course, my sister spends the rest of her time here with me, convincing me that she was SO TOTALLY flirting with me. and, as fate would have it, i totally ran into gabriella on campus the next tuesday, in the humanities building (where i always am). so i hatch a plan.
the next saturday, i go and get a chai in the morning, because i think she always works on saturday mornings. and she was there. and i ordered my drink, went to pay, and lost the nerve to do it.
so we just talked for a minute or so (she studies international relations, and "just" got back from spain from a year abroad, and she "can't stop talking about it," and she's a 4th year). and, of course, the opportunity didn't present itself! so i picked up my drink, and was about to walk out.
fuck this, i thought.
there was nobody at the cashier, so i just walked up, leaned way over the counter (she was writing on a coffee bag or something), and said, "so, after i saw you on campus, i thought to myself, if this girl's gonna be stalking me," and put a little sheet of paper with my name and email on it in front of her, "i might as well give her something so she can do it for real."
and she laughed, hard, and said, "awesome. thanks!" and i said, "have a great day," and walked out.
it's weird to go through this process. this process is unique and new, despite spending lengthy amounts of time getting over heartbreak before.
before, there was a sense of guilt associated with it all, a sense of regret, in knowing that, at least on some level, it was my fault. that things were broken by my hand.
but this wasn't the case this time. and, looking at the whole situation, from a vantage point that grows more and more objective each day, i start to see it in a different light. yes, i was in Love, and yes, it could have been so great. but i am losing the silly notion that she was perfect--even perfect for me.
i saw her, on tuesday, at philz, of course, while i was sitting studying and lesson planning (with beka, of course). and i got up, talked with her for a few moments, and... hm.
i've noticed this before, but it still suprises me when it happens. but she is growing considerably less attractive to me. the idea is that one's behavior, in my eyes, actually changes how i physically percieve someone. it all started with jess cassel. and years later, crazy-beautiful anna-from-yoga. someone that i used to think was so hot, so gorgeous, so beautiful.. loses even their physical appeal.
i watched 500 days of summer, again, with my sister when she was here. a) that movie is so fucking amazing and perfect. b), though, it made me realize how fully similar the situation was.
there's this moment, where tom asks, "so why did you dance with me?" and summer says, "because i wanted to." and he says, "you just do what you want, don't you?" and she says nothing.
and my sister just looked at me.
on tuesday--with her beautiful face, and oh-so-awesome casual garb that doesn't need, or even try, to draw attention to her--i just sort of looked at her.
and the attraction was gone.
i don't know where i'm supposed to go from here, i don't know how to shake the fingers of depression that have been trying to creep up the past month or so, i don't know, i don't know, i don't know.
i do know, however, what still hurts. what still hurts is not that i lost her. what hurts the most is not that i will never again kiss her, or have any sort of non-platonic relationship with her... i've realized this now.
what hurts is that, she saw me at my best, or damn near it, and still fell in love with someone else. what hurts is that i was so invested, that i WANTED something so badly, and there wasn't anything i could have done.
but this is stupid. do i, or do i NOT, put great stock into taoist philosophy and religion? do i, or do i NOT, believe very strongly that the act of desiring and coveting and striving are aspects that should be eliminated? to shy away from?
as yet another failed relationship of san francisco, i've finally begun to see the reason why, this time around. which makes who whole process of "getting over her" happen so much, so very much, quicker.
after my last post, i had 3 people tell me--in one form or an other--that they felt pretty much the exact same way. that, the sentiment of, "why are so many friendships lopsided?" is more common than i had thought. thanks, friends, for the solidarity. you know who you are.
(hint: it's not brandon. fuck that guy.)
there is a lot going on, a lot has happened in the 3 weeks i've been gone. basically, though, there was this incredibly subtle-yet-oh-my-god-you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me shit-drama with avi, and this was on the heels of "friend" drama, and just, everything just SUCKS. okay?
okay.
so, i'm moving on, in many aspects.
on positive notes. i have learned how to make crepes. i had the recipe, i tried it, with some homemade hummus, and good GOD, that first batch was heaven in my mouth. done it a few times since, but last night, with brandon, we made them with strawberries, vanilla soygurt, and agave nectar.
this crepe was on the top-3-things-i-have-ever-eaten list. and, yes, that list includes "perfectly ripe avocado" as number 2. bonus points if you know the #1.
seriously. i can make vegan crepes. vegan crepes that are like exploding orgasms in your mouth.
yes, i am bragging.
school is going well. i wrote, in the midst of my shit-drama week, no less, what i feel was the best paper i've ever written. i got an A (not minus!), which is the first in a graduate seminar, and, with the added bonus, of being a topic i am stupidly passionate about. this has bitten me in the ass before (rofl at C- paperS in my other environmental ethics class). um, i'm bragging again?
marathon training is going well. it is kicking my ass, of course. the 16-miler (which was run at a 9min mile pace), utterly destroyed my will to live. my body was okay though, as my knees were totally fine the next day. back issues this week, but that's a lack of sleep problem, nothing my 6 day weekend can't cure.
teaching fight club. also going well. really starting to appreciate the book so much more, to really closely read it. damn you, palahniuk. you're so good.
had a date scheduled for this morning, with this really, really cool girl named rebeka, but she cancelled last minute (really?), because she's sick. or whatever? i don't know. i've become unbelievably detached from all this bullshit, and have given up on the notion of "pursuing," because, fuck attachment.
i've been listening to ridiculous amounts of trance music such as this by deadmau5 (god, the transition at 1:01... SO AMAZING). and then there's sander van droon.
i'll try to be more on the ball about this whole, site thing.