<later>
yesterday, me and the parentals went whale watching. we were gone for about 7 hours, and saw probably that many whales, total. if that sounds like complaining, it's really not... it just dawned on me that "whale watching" is such a gross misnomer. "whale seeking" is such a better fit. you know, as in "hide and." ... they are very good at it.
it was a really great day, actually, despite the sickness. we went with this swedish (?) family, and spent hours driving south to find a good spot, only to find no whales. so i got lots of pictures.
so we drove some more, to a new place, and eventually, finally, saw a passing pod of right whales. it was freaking freezing, but still pretty rad. i mean, they were out in the ocean, and we were on this mountain-ish place, with binoculars... so it wasn't like, "zoh my god religous experience" or anything. but it was still pretty awesome. i like whales.
oh yeah, and on our way down the mountain, i got this picture:
anyway. it was good itmes. today was really good too, and i feel like there was a bunch i wanted to talk about, and a lot of it escapes me. i walk, daily, to the town where my mom works, it's a nice walk along the boardwalk thingy, about 30 minutes in each direction. and after lunch, i was heading back, rocking out to gabriel and dresden, of course. and it was just a really slow walk, and really awesome.
i stopped a few times, to look out over the lagoon (pictures soon, i keep forgetting to bring the camera with me when i walk to town. also it's been raining). there was some drizzle, but not much. and i just felt good. i felt like i was starting to just be. to stop worrying, to stop striving, to just be present.
god, i wish i could describe it better. just, in regards to being in my head, the crazy, wanting, needing, striving. i found myself giving a friend random "dude, just be cool" relationship advice last night, along these very same lines. and i had been thinking about internalizing it myself. that i can just be so ridiculous, that i can get so impatient, that i get so hung up on motherfucking results.
but it doesn't have to be like that. yes, i've been sick, and a chunk of my brazil time has been kind of sucky. the weather, having to sleep so much, not being able to explore as much as i would have liked... but it's like, this is life. i don't resent it, i don't even find myself wishing the trip, thus far, could have been any different. it is, what it is.
the supreme good is like water,
which nourishes all things without trying to.
it is content with the low places that people disdain.
thus it is like the tao.
and i just felt a very taoist moment on that boardwalk, staring out over the lagoon. "practice not-doing, and everything will fall into place." i just need to hold on to this, internalize it, maybe concentrate on it for more than a few days, instead of forgetting it for months, or years, at a time. maybe, maybe, maybe...
i had a dream last night (i had a lot of dreams last night), where i was navigating this course or whatever, but i was starting to fall off this roof. i was slipping, and looking down, and trying to figure out the best way to fall--it was far! there wasn't any fear, or anything, it wasn't a bad or scary dream. it was just a problem that needed to be solved. and somehow, in the dream state, i was able to just be like, "dude, just let go. aim for the grass, hit the ground, and go into a roll, really fast, and you'll be fine."
so i did. i let go, fell, bent my knees as i landed, into a somersault. and i got up and kept running. everything just sort of fell into place. "whoa."
so like, the amount of posts, for this month.... is ridiculous.
the sickness! it won't leave me be! sure, the flu has left, but in its wake, the sinus infection, it lingers! i've been here for a week, or just about, and like 4 of my days here have been more or less bed/house-ridden. blah, blah, blah.
weather got a bit better today, sunny, nice. walked some, visited some friends of my parents.
blah, blah, blah, boring.
maybe the reason i always post so much about girls, is that 90% of everything else i'd post on here is super boring.
so i've wanted to learn to play a musical instrument for like, forever. and i dunno why, but i've been thinking a lot about the guitar lately. i'd just like to be able to do something, musically. singing doesn't interest me, and i can't really think of anything else that would be as cool a skill to have, as far as music goes. piano would be neat, but so impractical. guitar, on the other hand... i wonder if lessons are the best way to go. i hear it's about twice as fast as just teaching yourself... but the motivational process of having a teacher, sure would be handy.
i just, you know. need a hobby. or at least another one. i can only write so much, for one reason or another. and so, sometimes, i just feel like it is not enough of a creative outlet. that said, however, guitar would be a weird investment. because it's not like it would be a creative outlet for a couple years, as i learn to play "smells like teen spirit" and "everlong."
underneath it all, i guess i just want to be more. ... it's stupidly cliche, i know, but it's like, we only get so much time. how do we spend it? what are we doing with our lives? i just want to experience, to grow, to expand, to strive toward the ideal of nietzsche's superman.
holy shit it's 4.
so, i got sick, yesterday. like, 24-hour flu nonsense sickness, and i'm still recovering. my mom got it first, then i started maybe the next day. i spent pretty much all day in bed yesterday (which was fine, i suppose, because it was cold and rainy anyway, and i actually got a bunch of writing done). kinda sucks getting sick on vacation, but it's okay.
so, writing. i've finally started working on part 3 of my book, for real. it is tricky, hard even, because the perspective has shifted. part 3 is mainly from a new narrator, and it's not easy writing with a second voice. it's a struggle to make nemeus sound different from rone... there are exceptions, and sometimes it's totally awesome (as i've made nem pretty cocky/silly, and thus he makes me laugh on a regular basis). and i finally broke 100 pages (104!), and 50k words (55!). so, it's good. and what is left to write for this part is going to be some of the funnest stuff to write, for sure.
just gotta keep going, and get to it all.
i've watched maybe a dozen movies in the past week or so (i downloaded so many for the trip down, to have things to do in airports/double-digit-houred plane rides)... the new-movie highlight was "i love you, man" which i absolutely loved. (i have a complete man crush on both jason segel and paul rudd) and last night was office space, also damn good.
um. not much else to say. it's good to be away. it's relaxing, which is, you know. both rare and good, right now. yeah.
i am in brazil. and so far, it is pretty cool.
i mean, on one hand it's just another location, another city, whatever. i have grown dubious, perhaps, of the notion of 'travel is so great!' and mainly, because i find locations to be so similar. there are cities and there are people and there are stores and there are streets and there are cars.
the differences are there, but to me they are very subtle, they hide, they need to be discovered. sometimes, i feel it is worth discovering these secrets, sometimes, i don't care enough.
fiji, on the other hand, was different. fiji was amazing because it was paradise--because the water was unbelievable, the surrounding area gorgeous, the totality of the physical escape so very needed. sure, the natives on the island with us were cool, and i met that cool girl patricia, and yes, was in a country i had never been before. but none of these latter things were enough to make it an amazing trip.
brazil is different. and i can't really quantify it too much, yet, because i feel like i've only been here for 2 days now (though i guess it's approaching 3?). the area of florianopolis (floripa) i am in is nice, but it is just another town. the people are all completely foreign to me, as i've never been in a place before where i can't say or understand a god damn thing... at least in zhijuatanejo (mexico) i can somewhat get by with near-forgotten spanish. here, i am completely lost. which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's just... weird.
but, like all things, the merit of this trip will be built upon moments. and i had a great set of them today, as i went on this hike into the jungle(ish) toward the beach. there is a trail, and i walked it, but it was undeveloped enough, such that i was completely removed from all civilization at least a few times. the weather was not perfect, nor did any of my pictures turn out fantastic... but it was still just so great. to be hiking on the other side of the world. to be hiking toward the ocean, and trying to wrap my head around the fact that i'm actually hiking to the east...
it's hard to articulate. it was just a string of good moments.
on an entirely different topic, i have this really weird metabolism, which fluctuates greatly depending on my activity level. i believe i've mentioned it before, just how cool it is that when i start working out crazy hard, all the sudden my appetite goes through the roof.
well, about 6 or 7 weeks ago, when i started working out 6+ days a week (gee, i wonder what helped motivate such ridiculousness), my appetite didn't change much. in fact, it continued on its decline, that started around the same time that my class started. suddenly, my body was just overwhelmed with this near-constant stress, though i wish i could use that word without its negative connotation. then, other things kept me nervous, and just, my appetite was just repressed, to a noticable degree, despite the increase in physical activity.
and finally, about a week ago, enough of the stress went away such that... everything was allowed to catch up, to equalize.
and i pretty much haven't stopped eating since. seriously, it's ridiculous. i'm eating like 4-5 meals a day. i'm just always hungry. it's pretty cool, actually. my body is just constantly saying, "feed me! feed me!" and i oblige it.
nom nom nom.
i've been living in SF for a while, and i guess i sort of forget how crazy white it is. as i'm sitting now in atlanta's airport, where the demographic is much more diverse. is demographic the right word? i just woke up from a nap on the floor, so my brain is a little groggy.
airports are generally okay, as is flying... but my back has been giving me shit the past week or so... thus the whole process is much more tiring than you'd expect. i bought some 8-hour heat packs, but i'm not quite sure 8 hours of heat is what it needs. i dunno. it feels good, but i'm not sure if it offers any relief.
grrr. i'm sitting here, spacing out, and not writing the crazy thought processes that rush through my head. there's such a strong urge to censor, as you've certainly read. i just grow weary of posting about the same stuff, over and over. the ridiculous ups and downs that we all go through as we attempt to discover how interested our crushes are, in us. it's ridiculous. i know it's ridiculous. i'm trying to be less ridiculous.
i guess, for those truly interested, however, i should at least mention, briefly, that things are good. great, even. i had brunch on sunday with avi, the last time we were to hang out before my trip. and like every other time when it's just the two of us, hanging out for a few hour, it was just great. comfortable. i have a very distinct memory of this one time she laughed, really hard and loud over the noise of the whole place... and another of when i was alone at the table for a few minutes, and just leaning back in the booth with such a big smile on my face.
but i'm gone now, and i have to think about, post about, talk about other things. yeah.
i started reading "on the road" by kerouac. and, like everyone i suppose, i really started to identify with the author, even within the first few chapters. and it got me thinking, about what exactly it is about a book that draws us in, what is it that makes us identify with the characters, and why is that so crucial to liking them?
are we all so lonely that we crave, need, that kind of connection, even with a character in a book? is it loneliness, or simply being self-absorbed? i mean, we're not all that different. we all get trapped in our own heads, we rarely walk in others' shoes, maybe we don't need to read a book to feel that connection. maybe we could just talk to the person right next to us... maybe we should stop thinking that we're so unique and special, to the extent that "oh, i can't connect with this person." to stop thinking that, "this person has nothing i can identify with."
the blatant hypocrisy here is not intended, but expected. but why do we do it? why do we go through our lives so afraid to make connections, so afraid to step outside our own comfort zones?
i keep having this circular discussion with my sister corina, and it's great, in a sense. she keeps telling me, "no balls, no babies," as a sort of universal response to "what should i do?" that we should take the risk, that we should be true to ourselves, and of course on so many levels i agree with her. to take the path less traveled, to act in ways we normally wouldn't, to take risks.
i apologize in advance for talking more about this, but i feel like this is what i've been doing. with a lot of my life, right now, and i like what's been coming of it (you may have heard, but i sang karaoke. with a beautiful girl that i approached and ultimately asked on a date). there is a balance, of course. there is a "game," and this game must be played. but to err on the side of "too crazy" is not the side we err on often. so, why not?
there's an article in the most recent article of adbusters, that i meant to talk about here, but i never did. in this article, it just talked about these studies that showed how much our happiness can increase if we step outside of our supposed-comfort-zones and talk to strangers. if we strike up conversations on the bus with random passengers. and how money, so often desired from the "must be happy" standpoint, actually gives us more happiness if we spend it on others instead of ourselves.
i read this article to my class, the whole thing. it tied in very closely with a lot of discussion on, uh... why the lie of capitalism is so awful. success does not equal happiness. happiness is other people. happiness is sharing with others.
it was a really good lecture, when i read the article. and in the fall, when i read it to my new students, i will give them a very different homework assignment: they will have to talk to some stranger on the bus, in a random class before it starts, at the supermarket. they'll have to engage in a real conversation, and then write a brief response measuring their before-and-after happiness levels.
i haven't worked out all the details yet, but i'm quite excited about the general concept behind the assignment.
i've been in airports or airplanes for about 8 and a half hours now, and the fact that i've still got about 14 to go is... well, it's actually not that bad. the long flight is next, 9 and a half hours from atlanta to sao paulo, the brazilian city where outdoor advertising is illegal.
oh, yeah. i'm starting to train for a marathon. in case you hadn't heard.
i'm going to brazil on wednesday, staying for 2 weeks, then LA for my aunt's wedding, then chelan for a couple weeks. vacation time, and as it gets closer, i find myself getting a little bit more and more excited. just, to get away. distance. perspective.
i'll be in LA from the 6th to the 10th--not long, but, you know, a few days. so if you happen to be in the area... well, you know.
i'm 90% certain that i'm going to start training for a marathon. i need to find one that fits my schedule (ie is in about 3-4 months), and is hopefully really close to the bay area. probably gonna join a training group, because i have been pushing myself way too hard solo. my back is bugging me a bit, and i know exactly what it is--working out every day for about 2 weeks. need more rest.
lesbian dinner date #2 the night before last, ronnie/jamie/anna, and it was great--over at anna's new(ish) place. and jamie gave me a shoulder exam. and apparently, i have a "frozen shoulder," due to calcification of part of the socket. it can go away on its own, with stretching (and yoga, for sure), or i can get an injection, followed by the same stuff, to expediate the process. no time to deal with it now, but i probably will when i get back.
anyway. i've started writing again. just a few paragraphs yesterday, but i need to do it often. the longer i go without writing, the worse i think it is, even though i'm always surprised when i pick it back up after months... "wtf this isn't bad at all..."
write, write, write...
watched "annie hall" last night, at ronnie's request. and i can see why she had me watch it. it was very good, even if i'm only a quasi-fan of woody allen's neuroses (maybe they hit too close to home?). anyway, there is one narration, which... well.
"I thought of that old joke, you know, this... this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." And, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships; you know, they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and... but, uh, I guess we keep going through it because most of us... need the eggs."
i saw avi on thursday. she complimented my haircut (twice, actually), and seemed generally pretty pleased to see me. a tiny bit of awkwardness was there, but she was still super friendly, came over and sat by me to talk for a few minutes before class started, and maybe even seemed a tinge disappointed when she found out i was going to be on vacation for a month. projecting, maybe, but maybe not.
anyway, i had called and said i'd like to hang before i leave, so she said she was probably free friday or sunday, and this morning, she called. and we're getting brunch tomorrow. ... these details are not interesting in and of themselves, but rather... they've just helped illuminate the whole situation. and i sort of came to a realization on thursday, about what exactly is going on.
clearly, i'm super into her. and while i can in no way gauge the level of her returned interest, it is very obvious that it's not as much, not as high. which is of course fine--that's the way this shit works. i've been single for so long, that i just sort of crave that sort of connection, the whole concept of a 'good relationship.'
and, obviously, not everyone is in the same set of circumstances, or even reacts the same way within said circumstances.
so, i need to get out of my head. i need to do things, get out, write, run, do yoga, create, and just... distract. not because i don't want to think about possibility and fantasy and awesome (dreams should be sufficient?), but because that's not how the game must be played.
the more i think about it, i've done everything right. she's seen me at my best (god that lecture was so good!), i've well-displayed that i'm totally into her ("i've uh... wanted to do that since the first time i saw you..."), and she's even seen me in some pretty awesomely embarassing moments (walking into the girl's bathroom on accident at the giant's game ("shit"), not to mention singing karaoke)...
patience. you tell yourself that you're not in a rush, so don't be in a rush.
it's so hard for me to pull back, and just get perspective, sometimes. for whatever reason, whether personality, circumstances as i've grown and matured, or whatever... i just drift toward the pessimistic. toward assuming the worst, toward believing that the worst is true.
and this is ridiculous. it's just a giant self-fulfilling prophecy... surround yourself with all these negative thoughts, and negative things happen. i know, i've posted about this before, and it's like for fuck's sake, when are you going to learn?
i've gone through, now, and sort of retraced the steps through messages, emails, remembered conversations, over the past couple weeks. and this shit can go both ways. and i can "play it safe," in the sense of, "oh noes not another rejection, just quit before you get hurt moar," or i can "play it safe," in the sense of, "let's move forward slowly, and not quit before it's done."
just believe.
i feel so neurotic and crazy writing all this shit out, over the past month and a half, here... talk about a weird time to be all gung-ho about the censor-free... but i guess, for you the reader, it just makes it all more interesting to read.
through these amazing, crazy-lucky circumstances, i stumble across the perfect setting for, essentially, a chance to legitimately chase after my dream girl. and, in so many ways, everything about it is just, so, right. there's the sour right beside the sweet, but the whole thing is just so perfectly situated within reality. nothing is perfect. nothing worth having comes easy. there is no high, without the low.
but i've been burned before. a few times, and i unfortunately remember the burns more vividly than the successes... and so, what, i sit and i wait, expecting the burn? the negative? fuck that! c'mon, i can be pretty awesome, from time to time. i can be a 'catch.' i'm smart. i have a good sense of humor. i read. i think about what i read. i even look good naked! so what the hell.
as far as goodness, coming across my relationship plate... something like this has been a long. time. coming.
just believe, motherfucker. just. believe.
my melodrama has ended, for now. enough people have been like, "dude, you're over-reacting." and as much as my gut/pessimistic side wants to believe ronnie's first bit of advice, "just start to let it go. i know, it sucks..." i'm starting to think... why am i giving up on this so easy?
quitting on this so early, when it's clearly important to me, is just... dumb. we just, tread carefully, now. we move slowly, i try to slowly figure out if there's an issue. is it space? is it things being rushed? clearly these are not questions that will be asked. nothing kills a young almost-relationship like the terrible, "let's talk about our relationship" discussion. ... nothing.
so, finesse is to be used. she is great, and giving up is just stupid, and i have this near-undeniable urge to slip into melodrama. wtf, dude. w. t. f.
so let's do it differently this time. take the risk, even if in moderation.
(also, for fuck's sake, balls to this week).
the past month has passed in a crazy, slow motion surreality. i find myself, almost daily, thinking about something that feels like it happened days, or weeks ago, and then i realize it was yesterday. or maybe the day before. and this weekend has been an incredibly potent example of this.
so, obviously, my weekend was pretty really shitty. and everyone as been pretty awesome about it, which isn't surprising, per se, but it has been nice. nearly everyone asked me what was up, and i probably had to retell the story of the weekend about 6 times yesterday. which, really, is fine. really funny getting polar opposite advice from all sorts of different directions, too.
so, anyway, what happened? the story only gets interesting, i guess, starting saturday.
i went to the "sand by the ton" art show that avi was performing in. her group performs around 12:30 or so, so i show up around 9:30, just to kinda hang out, see the show, the carnival aspect, hear some good music. going early is a wise move--i run into my friend sacha from yoga, we dance to this amazing artist named beats antique (listen to "oriental uno").
12 comes around, and i find her at their scaffolding thing, she's with nancy, her contortionist partner. she, of course, looks fucking amazing. their group is performing a sort of bordello dance act, with avi and nancy cortorting. avi's dressed in red and black sexiness, in full makeup, the whole bit.
and, unfortunately, enter the awkward. i can't articulate exactly why, how, when. but it started to get a tiny bit awkward. she just didn't seem... nearly as excited to see me, as i was to see her. i walk with her and nancy to where they will be performing, she introduces me to her cousin (mike? matt? fuck!), who i hang out with for essentially the rest of the night. nancy asks me to film her and avi, before they have to go and warm up. there's a hug between avi and i, and i kiss her cheek, wishing her good luck. 30ish minutes go by, and they begin, and i break out the camera.
and, of course, unsurprisingly, the show is amazing. i honestly have NO idea what the dancers were doing, as my eyes were trained either on avi, or the viewfinder of the camera (which was, of course, trained on avi and nancy). i should mention that seeing pictures of someone performing contiortion is one thing... but it is quite another to see them actually do it.
the show ends, and mike (?) and i kinda hang out, but are misinformed, and miss their other performance (ugh, so dumb, we were at the wrong stage). but we eventually make our way to the scaffolding where the rest of her group is finishing up their performances, and then...
sigh. and then, this is where everything got really shitty. avi and nancy had, like, a throng of admirers, just random people hanging around trying to talk with them, gawk, etc. entirely expected (seriously, avi looked amazing). so mike (?) and i just sorta hung out, waiting for everything to die down.
and it sorta does, but avi has other friends about, like these 4 dudes that are just... well, thinking what any dude nearby not related to her was thinking. ... and i felt so completely and utterly out of place.
and i'm not entirely sure why. i just was no longer convinced that she wanted me there. she was essentially ignoring mike and i, and i just felt awkward, totally unsure about... everything.
so the security dude comes by, telling everyone we gotta start clearing out (it's 2:30 at this point). so i ask if maybe avi has room in her car, and she says no, she's totally packed. i say it's no problem, i'm sure there's a shuttle/bus/whatever. i remember i need to tell her about the time for our dinner party thing the following night, so i say,
"oh, right the dinner thing. are you still coming? everyone will be showing up around 7:30 or so..."
"okay. i'll call you."
and on that note, we exchange goodbyes, she thanks me for coming, and i make my way to the busses outside, with no idea what's going on. when did it get so awkward? was it the show? was it the setting in which we were hanging out? was it the kiss?
so, feeling like maybe i've done something wrong, like i've been pushing too hard, who KNOWS, so i try to take a step back, waiting for her to show up, or call on sunday.
and she calls. at 6:30 on sunday, to say that she was out super late, she's super tired, and she has to get up early the next morning to teach yoga. so, she thinks, she's just going to stay in tonight. she's polite and cool about it, "i hope you have a good time!" but ends the message with "i'll talk to you soon," and a, "i'll see you later."
and, as the culminating event of 5 days of feeling that things are off, that maybe i've somehow broken something, it is a pretty brutal message. why, i can't help but think, would someone pass up on a free meal, 4 blocks away? what did i do?
and with these melodramatic thoughts running rampant through my head, the dinner party was actually pretty freaking terrible. jamie, rightfully oblivious, was asking about avi. "is your lady friend here yet?" "when is she coming?" and, of course, the worst part, was i was still cooking when she and anna arrived, so they come up, and i'm, like, completely bummed, feeling like it wasn't just the dinner that was cancelled... so i'm clearly distracted, and as i make the pesto, it's a very slow process, as i keep forgetting to add shit in, and thus stare at the food processor like, "what am i doing?" ... so jamie's like, "aww, look at you, all twitterpated."
and, at that point, i pretty much just wanted to lock myself into my room.
there is more, but not terribly relevant or interesting. and this is really long as it is.
commentary later.
the problem is... ...
the problem is, it's all the same. it's the same process. it's, build it up, build it up, build it up. and there seems to be such potential and i can't hardly contain myself, and i talk about it too much, and i tell probably too many people. i censor so much, so often, that when something is finally good, i just don't hold it in.
even if, by allowing myself to think of it as 'so good,' i find some way to break it.
there is a cracked, stoic facade that exists now, in the aftermath of a dinner for 6-that-should-have-been-9, and i really, really, really need someone to break through it.
what... ... what happened? how did it end up like this?
the interesting thing with a censorship-free posting-spree, is that the oft-posted-subject, will almost certainly read it all, at some point in the near-ish future. i try to post as if i don't know that, but the idea is a hard one to root out sometimes. i mean, do i really wanna write that out? eventually it'll be read. by her.
and so, this is me acknowledging and noting, so i can continue doing it anyway.
first, then, the less-interesting. went to avi's yoga class this morning, and was the only one to show up. mmmmm, one on one yoga-teacher attention is the best way to do yoga. it helps when you have a massive crush on the teacher. except when she gives you a massage in shavasana and you have to think about baseball and video games and other such distractions. you know. because. ... ahem.
then, my class--my students took their final. it went well, i think. it wasn't too hard, and i asked some really great questions for their two essay prompts. among my favorites:
- "Discuss why our culture seems to get stuck in "prisoner's dilemmas" so often."
- "Why is breaking down the "I vs You" mentality important, and how do we do it?"
- "Discuss the importance of critical thinking in our daily lives, regarding any combination of: capitalism, our culture, or the media."
and, after reading some of the responses (grading comes tomorrow), i felt really good. the ones that i expected to really get, and internalize, our discussions, got it.
oh, and i got names of students who will be interested in joining a reading group in the fall. we'll read things like ishmael, fight club, franny and zooey, and others. and then discuss them. why, yes, i'm totally and completely copying JD. big whoop wanna fight about it?
and then? well.... and then.
...
so i call her tonight, all excited about her bringing a vegan cheesecake to our dinner party on sunday (which you all better come to, you know who you are). and i tell her,
"hey, i need to give you something, i meant to do it earlier. can i drop by and give it to you?" and she tells me she's doing laundry, but, later? ... and she calls after about an hour, when she gets back. i ask her to meet me downstairs in like 5 minutes, that i'd start walking.
and i head over, if a little slowly.
i'm a few houses down, and i see her appear, and she calls out, "hi!" and i smile. "hi," i say, in spite of myself. ... "what's up?" she asks, as i approach. she's wearing obvious-post-laundry garb, and i love it. sweats, hood up, scarf sticking out. ... i say nothing more as i take the last few steps, glancing toward the ground for just a moment. she has a curious look on her face, maybe half a smile, her eyes searching.
and i lean in, and kiss her.
it's over much too soon, but her smile is now genuine, wide. and she says, again, "hi..." some pleasantries are stated, and then she kisses me.
and, of course, like all amazing moments that end before you can really grasp the entirety of them, we wish each other good night, and i--somehow--walk back to my place. in complete, and utter disbelief, that that just happened.
i discovered the source of the crazy. and once i figured out exactly what it was, i realized that it was kind of silly. and then the crazy left.
it was just that everything was so unsure, that i was sort of going through the familiar motion of a growing infatuation, without having any sort of concept of reciprocation. that sounds vaguer than i mean it to be--i'm basically just saying, i figured out that i was just worried about what she was thinking. and once i sort of figured this out, once this moment of clarity arose... it was just an, "oh." moment.
you know, the "oh." moment where you're like, 'that's just ridiculous, why am i allowing this to drive me crazy?'
so, for the most part, i got it all under control. the crazy, i mean.
we hung out, again, for like 4-5 hours yesterday, rather spontaneously. me: "what are you up to today?" her: "nothing, really. ... want to get some coffee?"
and, just like that first time we hung out, it was just... it couldn't have gone better. it wasn't a crowd, it wasn't her friends or baseball games or karaoke machines as distractions (which, for the most part, are absolutely fine). it was just just us.
and when you're trying to get to know someone, like, know them... well. it's a good way to go about it.
we sat at the coffee shop for a couple hours, talking about.... well, you don't care. about everything. we went up to the top of bernal hill, to take in the city, and eventually made our way to maggie mudd's, for vegan icecream/sundaes on the other side of the hill. and it was just so comfortable. conversation flows easily, and we even had the much-coveted comfortable silences. it's hard, to find people you can share those with, especially when you're first getting to know someone. we just want to fill all that silence up with noise, but... sometimes nothing needs to be said. from time to time.
at some point, during the day, i invited her again to come to my last class (today). and she said she'd try, so, of course, i spent an incredibly large portion of my night planning what i was hoping was going to be my best lesson yet.
and, as luck would have it, after a meager 5 hours of sleep, she calls this morning and tells me she's definitely coming. she gives me a lift to campus, and i have to apologize for being rather quiet--i always get stupidly nervous before bigger lectures. knowing she was going to be there certainly didn't help, either. it was like a performance, on two different levels.
the class starts as any other, i'm a little quiet as i walk to the front, saying hi to the students. avi sits in the back, and it's a total and complete trip to see her among the students--among the captive audience.
the nerves melt away, as they always do, within seconds, and off we go.
and my preparation was well spent, it was definitely my best lecture. i talked about the "I vs YOU" mentality, and how it sticks us squarely within the prisoner's dilemma, and that, eventually, the only way we can get out of it is by acting within the collective, instead of the selfish, me-first. that we can not control anyone or anything around us, the only thing we can control is our own choices, and that, yes, acting selflessly will bite us in the butt, and it will do that often. but that it is still right, and better to take that risk. to be, as it were, the change we wish to see in the world.
and there wasn't MUCH discussion, but there was definitely enough. they were getting it. avi would shoot me a smile if i lapsed and let myself sneak glances in her direction (such a distraction), and there was a lot of passive, but comprehending, nodding from the students, even those previously married to the concepts of capitalism, etc. or at least the more vocal defenders of it.
and i just felt so strongly that i had wrapped up the course nicely. that i cleared up the loose-ends i had left over the weeks with them, tying in the whole entire concept with WHY critical thinking is important to our lives.
so the lecture portion, slated for about 2 hours, finished a few minutes early (they were all very quiet and captive), so we took another break, and i walked avi out (as she was staying just for the lecture part).
i gave her a big hug, thanking her for like the 3rd time for coming, that it was so nice to have a friend come and, you know, see what my LIFE is now. and she said, very quietly, that i was great, that she really enjoyed it. "teacher-man." then she hugged me, again, and kissed my cheek, before heading over to her car.
and it was just so great to have her see me in my element. she was (sort of) in hers, in the karaoke bar, performing with her friend, and nothing amplifies a crush like seeing the object of your affection in their element. where they shine. i'm going to a performance she's in on saturday, and the yoga class she is teaching on wednesday morning.
there's more, probably, and i may just edit this and fill it out later. but i've just sort of been on cloud nine for hours now, and gotta stop typing.
yeah.
to celebrate the 4th of july, i watched fight club. such a quality movie. a friend of mine once said that part of her really wished she could live her life again, just to experience that "WTF" moment near the end of the film. because, as far as twists go, it's, well. sixth sense don't have shit on chuck palahniuk.
i need to grade, but i'm distracted, distracted, distracted.
i'm going a little bit crazy, and it's not exactly what it seems. there's the obvious, but it's just like, compounded by the fact that i'm... that i have real responsibility with my class (that i actually care about). and i think that being so active has made it so i need less sleep maybe? i haven't been sleeping well. even if i go to bed at 3 (last night), i still get up at 9-9:30 without fail (this morning, every morning for a week+). and i know, every time, once i'm up, i'm up. because once the brain starts going, it's not going to stop.
it's so easy for me to fall into familiar patterns. overanalyzing, making mountains out of molehills, considering trivial details as if they're some sort of life-altering defining moment... and it's ridiculous and i know it's ridiculous, and i just can't get my head to shut up sometimes.
it's like the stoner dude in road trip, who's addicted to weed. and he says, that he's just always thinking, always always always, and this is why he needs the pot, to balance him out. to shut himself up.
the crazy! go away!
i went up on my roof, to watch some of the many, many fireworks that are being fired up here in the mission district. was a good show, but like all solo events, i really didn't feel like staying up there for much more than 15-20 minutes. so i came down, and noticed i had shut my door. the door that only opens from the inside. and there's no way to the front door, in the mini-backyard. not even a good place to jump the fence--and by good, i mean, "possible."
not that it would have even mattered, because my keys, which would be needed to open the front door, were on my bookcase. "... shit."
so i had to use a ladder, to get to the window in the kitchen, climb in the 2 foot by 3 foot window space, with both feet, at one point, in the sink.
awesome.
so there's this weird phenomenon that keeps happening, leading up to any time we hang out--the tension, for lack of a better word, just builds and builds and builds. and i get so nervous, to the extent that a hard run doesn't even fully calm me.
and then she's here and i forget about being nervous entirely, if just for the time being. just, that happy, dopey smile.
she was 20 minutes late this time, with a call to forewarn me, which coincided perfectly with my not-quite-finished soup-making. (this is why i love tardiness.) she brought an amazing peanut sauce dressing for her salad, and we enjoyed some good hummus, and great soup.
we eventually met up with her friends at the giants' game (wtf). her friend, nancy, was really cool, and her date matt was pretty funny. however, i definitely felt out of my element: the baseball game, large group of people i didn't know (maybe 10?), but it was actually... fine? i think it just feels weird to be in such a large group, when i'm still trying to get to know her. and there's so many distractions about. ... this seems weird, writing it out, but it's like... i guess it's all just not how i normally operate.
to continue the "out of my element" trend, we went with the group to this dive bar with a karaoke machine after the game. yes, i sang. yes, i was sober. yes, our duet rendition of love shack was absolutely atrocious.
but we were both laughing (as were nancy and matt), so it didn't really matter. she, on the other hand, has one hell of a voice. she sang like 3 or 4 songs on her own, and totally got the best reception from the bar-crowd when she sang "layla," by eric clapton. anyway. she was incredible. and i just couldn't, couldn't, couldn't get the karaoke scene from lost in translation out of my head, the whole time.
so, with a little prodding from her, i went up again, to sing "wonderwall," the oasis version (unfortunately?). and, for not having a lick of singing talent, and being sober and almost self-conscious (wtf doing it by myself), i think i did pretty well. it helps that i know/love the song, and it surely helped that avi, matt, and nancy were all singing right along, their collective voices almost as strong as my mic.
and, the weirdest, craziest part? good lord, it was so much fun. like, i'd do it again in a heartbeat. and i was disappointed that a group got up to sing "losing my religion" before i found it in the book--that one would have been great. just... performing, you know? even if terrible. and man oh man, i was. but she enjoyed it, so, you know.
anyway. i'm being ridiculous. today was fairly uneventful. went for a run, got some sun, ate leftovers, procrastinated grading (like i am now). amy came by today, was good to see her. had been a while. pretty boring 4th of july, but, you know. whatever.
my last lecture is on monday. i need to be prepared. i'm really interested to read their teacher evals, too. i can't believe my first class is almost done.
this entry is not nearly as interesting as it could be. which isn't censorship, it's just... i don't feel like writing anymore.
the week so far has passed in a bit of a blur.
classes on monday and wednesday were good, monday much more so. monday's discussion wrapped up our capitalism discussion, moving eventually to why a meritocracy, while nice, isn't even most ideal. what's most important, i tried to stress, was breaking down the i vs you mentality. this will probably be my focus for my final lecture, monday, but i haven't yet decided.
wednesday was advertising, which was good, but it was also vegetarianism, and that was very, very, very hard to do. i never felt like i was approaching the "preaching" line before this class, and thus was constantly, constantly wary of pushing any boundaries. i don't know why, it's hard to explain. i mean, when i had people in class defending capitalism and inheritance, the fire came out. if in small degrees.
but the veggie talk... it's different. it's harder. i'm not ready to talk on that yet, i don't have enough experience. yeah.
three yoga classes this week, runs on sunday and tuesday (so far). i love feeling driven to get back into good shape, even if all motivational processes are absolutely ridiculous.
... so, i know this is a censorship-free site, but i'm so torn. i mean, censor-free, right? but you all know what i want to be typing about. there's no mystery here. it's me.
it's an interesting duality that is occurring, here. on one hand, i'm so excited about things, it may or may not be affecting my sleep schedule. ... but it's not an entirely positive process. it's more--different--than mere excitement. a lot of it is worry, perhaps.
that's not quite the right word... it's just that any degree of excitement i feel is tempered by an equally powerful sense of skepticism. 'i don't have good luck like this.' there is some 40 ton other shoe that is just waiting to drop on my head, and---
see? this is why i censor. this isn't a good train of thought. the crazy comes out, the over-analyzing, the whatever.
i never, ever, ever thought i'd remain jaded about Love, about good relationships, that i could be so pessimistic in the face of something so good. but it's been such a ridiculously long time since i've been excited about a relationship, and then, have it even remotely live up to the expectation. this is made much worse by the recent trend of developing crushes on yoginis who end up not being single, and other such non-starters.
can i sit back and relax? can i let this evolve? can i let this follow the normal, first-dates pattern that everyone else goes through? it's all there, it's coming, the sheer potential, affective capabilities, of this whole situation are just... beyond description.
see? the crazy. sit back, you fool, and enjoy the ride. enjoy the ride. be here, now.
tomorrow, i'm making artichoke heart hummus, and potato leek soup with kale--arguably the two best things i cook (pesto wants to squeeze onto this list, but it's not cooked!). and avi is coming over early to help me prepare. and somehow, i need to go to sleep.
and i can't believe i'm forcing myself to post the uncensored.