<later>
today, i was an 'escort' for an elderly blind grad student, from about 6pm till 10:30. total coincidence, really, but i walked with her to our class (after meeting her in the philosophy lounge), then from our class to the shuttle stop (i only got us lost once), then waited for the shuttle, then to the bart station, then up the escalator, then into the bart, then to her apartment half a block from the bart station. which may not seem like much, but everything happens in slow motion. and each event, from getting tickets into the bart machine, to getting in and out of the shuttle (which have no handrails!), to taking the stairs (instead of the ramp) on campus.... each event seemed like an event. by this, i obviously mean no disrespect, but it was just so fascinating to percieve the world, even if by proxy, in a way that is not 'seeing.'
and while i in no way wish to diminish the differences the 'visually impaired' may face, i've always secretly wanted to be blind. i mean that as if, if i ever had to choose to give up one sense, it would be sight. if only because it's something we just take so for granted! what we see is our life. and i've also, always, wanted to be the 'guide' i'd see on campus at ucla, or anyplace like that. just a friend of the blind, a friendly arm to hold on to. and today, for miwa, i was.
unfortunately, this was the highlight of a very long day. woke up to an email from the professor whose class i was trying to get into. "sorry, we're full." (no shit, like every other class here/everywhere). then, running 5-10 minutes late this morning, i rushed to the bart for class, and did not realize until 5 minutes after i had left (basically right at the down-scalator of the bart) that my wallet wasn't in my pocket--i had left it at home.
sat on the floor, after arriving to my chinese phil class 20 minutes late (because it's over-full, and there wasn't even any table space left to sit on), and had nothing to do on campus from 2-7, as i waited for my very-much-3rd-choice-alternate class to start, the immensely intimidating "Kant" seminar. yes, why, i do love kant. however, kant, the genius, has work spanning many, many aspects of philosophy. and i really couldn't care less about epistemology and metaphysics. which is what this seminar is on. (decidedly not ethical theory).
after like, the 46th revision to my schedule, or whatever, i was thinking, this morning (after not getting into the justice seminar), that i was going to take Kant, my Chinese Phil class, and the 896 (class to prep you for the phil test that everyone needs to get their MA in phil). fairly full load. but the thought was, taking the 896 means i'll have a shot at being a GTA (graduate teaching associate--critical thinking) next semester (albeit a long shot).
but then i sat through the Kant lecture. and while it was fucking amazing to sit in a class where everyone who raised their hand to talk--even the ones you realize are going to raise their hand way more than they 'should'--actually had really smart things to say. um, god, yes, no more undergrad idiots talking just for brownie points? YES. however, i realized i was in way over my head, on a couple different levels.
these people are smart. they actually know philosophy. they know of the relevant, influential philosophers that are impacting the areas of Kant we would be investigating. they know all the casual references and name-drops the professor does (as they should, what the fuck why don't i remember anything from undergrad?). and i'm all, "shit, i need to go look up epistemology and metaphysics, because i can't remember exactly what they mean" (and i did). this is the first way i'm in over my head.
however, i could make it work. i'm smart enough to hang with this crowd, in so much as, i'm a fast learner, a fast reader, and generally pretty bright. but--and this is the second, perhaps bigger way i'm in over my head--i don't care enough about metaphysics and epistemology to put forth all the necessary effort to bridge that gap. if this class were on the delicate workings of kant's ethical theory, and maybe even how it arose from the philosophers that pushed him in the directions that he went, man, i'd be all for that. not the most interesting, but totally relevant to what i want to do. same if it were an intensive look at taoism, or a whole slew of the chinese philosophers--that stuff is fascinating (even if, as amy has pointed out, not entirely accurate. yeah, confucism and the mohists were way off in more than one way, but their synthesis, taking the best from both, is pretty amazing).
what am i saying? i'm behind. i know i am, but it's okay, this isn't a real issue. however, if my 'behind-ness' is amplified by trying to 'catch up' in subjects i'm not passionate about... well, fuck that.
so i'm not going to take Kant. i'm going to hope/trust that i'll actually, luckily, get into my environmental ethics course, and accept the consequences of a) having class 4 days a week instead of 2 (seriously, wtf), b) having to either take two phil seminars in a single semester (spring 08, or fall 09, when i'm GTA-ing, ouch) or a seminar over the summer (in order to get my 4 done and graduate in 2 years), or c) if i can't get my 4 seminars in, staying for 2.5 years.
i want to write that i'm burned out, but that's so not true. i'm just stressed. and it's been a long time since i've felt stressed about school. god dammit, why couldn't i have taken the application process more seriously, and then actually been able to get the classes that a) i needed, and b) fit my graduation-schedule. but no, i came in with the "haha suckers, i'm a 5th year senior who's pushing the unit cap, not only will i get into any class i want, but i'm going to convince a professor to push the head of the department to slightly alter the spring schedule so i can get a class i need before graduating." ... back to the bottom of the totem pole we go!
this is way too long. and i have to work, freaking 10 hours tomorrow, in the juice bar. though, bitching about something you volunteer for is hardly attractive, so i'll say no more.
and jesus, what am i going to write a thesis on?
nancy: "how did this happen?? what did i do?!?"
silas: "... you had boys."
so, i'm back in SF. i volunteered to give up my seat on a flight home from seattle, and got a 1st class upgrade on the next available flight (god, never riding 1st class again), and more importantly, a free round trip ticket to anywhere in the states (expires in a year). um, rad. i haven't decided how i'm going to use it, but it's pretty darn cool.
was immensely nice to sleep in my own bed this past sunday--too long on couches and floors and cushions. well, not too long, it just was nice to be like "yes, this is the space that is mine."
um, GRAD SCHOOL started. taking three classes:
1) Environmental Ethics (upper division phil. class)
2) Chinese Philosophy and Religion (we're even using the same text-book, eddy!)
3) Aquatic Communities (biology seminar, with a focus on conservation).
so, that last class is actually really intense. it's only 2 units (as opposed to 3), and there's 6 of us in the class, and we each have to give an hour long seminar at some point during the semester (all grad seminars are like this, i guess). like, we have to do the research of our topic (of our choosing), all the relevant reading (10-ish sources), give required readings to our classmates/professor (1-2 of our sources), and basically give a lecture. for an hour. then lead a discussion for the remaining hour of the class.
freaking intense. it's almost overwhelming, thinking about it. but, the cool thing, is it's very open-ended. so basically, anything regarding biodiversity within aquatic communities is open game. so, guess who will be finding something related to the bottlenose dolphins (or, tursiops truncatus).
also, i get to be a TA next semester (it's paid!), and after being a TA, you get to be a Graduate Teaching Associate. which is why i'm going to SFSU--GTAs teach critical thinking classes to undergraduates. there's teaching workshops all year training us, or whatever. um, i get to be a teacher in 1 year.
going back to yoga tonight, first time in a month. and uh, i don't really have anything else to say.
i'm doubting, again. the third time in a year--quite the omen for the superstitious.
walking through the park today, the illustrious chelan 3v3 basketball tournament. the fat people with their BBQs, grilling their flesh on the grill; the "players" with their wanna-be-bad-ass attitude, dribbling down the sidewalk, with their fucking swagger; the moms walking back from the drive-through burger joint, drinking their coke...
"this is the world i want to "fix"? them? these are the people i want to "awaken?" to "enlighten?" what the fuck do i care?"
hm? i'm about to get started with a program that will take up 6+ years of my life, learning about moral theory, learning about the atrocities we, the people(tm) inflict upon the world on a daily basis, learning about astronomically superior chinese thinkers like loazi and zhuangzi. and, yeah, sure, that's cool. that's interesting.
but why do i so easily resign myself to ends-justify-means situations? but is that even the case, here? WHAT IS THE END? hm?
i don't want the world to be saved. honestly, i'd much rather watch it burn. i can't wait for that moment when antartic/greenland ice melts enough so that the ocean's rise happens unbelievably fast, and our world is changed forever. i can't wait for when we run out of oil. for the next revolution, violent and extreme.
so what, exactly, is my incentive to teach? "misery loves company?" no, that's not it. "oh, slightly slow the inevitable death of our culture, by getting 2 or 3 students to really become outraged, and try to change the world?" oh, wait, will that really work? oh wait, do i want to slow it? should i go teach economics? study environmental science, and lobby, hard-core, for pro-oil lobbies?
i'm so fucking sick of going through the motions. "this is the financial aid motion." "this is the pick out your classes, though none of them will be what you think they will be, which kind of defeats the whole purpose of "picking classes" motion." "this is the go to class and be talked at motion." "this is the standardized test motion."
"i get a craving like a fiend for nicotine, but i don't need a cigarette, know what i mean? i'm ragin', ripping up the stage an', don't it sound amazin'..." (so, maybe i'm listening to rage?) (also, i once had a crush on someone who said, "what the hell is that? that's music?" when i quoted those lyrics to her. what the fuck was i thinking?)
but i digress. i thought about marine bio, again. "well FUCK, why change the world? why not study what i like (read: "what i can get lost in, and study on wikipedia for 2 hours, by accidentally clicking some "extinct shark" link on my gmail header?"), not contributing to the problem, and laugh and laugh and point and laugh when the world blows up?" ... well, why not? maybe i'd even get to save a few doplphin's lives before the animals take over?
i had a conversation with my friend amy about a week ago, about what what we'd do if we had one wish. we both sort of agreed on wishing for a super-power would be best, because really, pretty much anything else you could get some other way. (yes, a wheelbarrow of money, or true love, or even an x-wing). so the discussion went to which power would be best.
while flying is appealing, it's so impractical. as soon as you're seen, well, you're screwed? no way you could just fly around, people would try to catch you, study you, whatever.
when i was younger, i thought "invisibility" would be the best. you couldn't be caught! you could do whatever! but last week, amy mentioned the power of "persuasion," and i thought it was better. how cool would it be to have the power of a truly silver tongue, pursuade anyone, to do anything? now THAT, i decided, was a power you could make some serious change with.
but i'm feeling so anarchist right now. fuck pursuasion. go invisible, sneak into big-oil-companies', and sabotage, sabotage, sabotage. burn down the white house. destroy oil rigs. burn down the new york stock exchange. pretty much every project mayhem activity you could think of.
i'm tired of playing by the rules. i want to burn the whole system to the ground?
ps this comic is amazing.
"If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then isn't Congress the opposite of progress? Or did we just fucking blow your mind?!?"
-Jon Stewart
Colbert/Stewart, '08.
47,800 words, in 91 pages. thus ends the writer's block. also, shit, my story is actually not terrible?
forgiveness is divine. seriously. reverse karma is a bitch. grudges--jesus. forgive and forget.
i'm over this shit. i am. i just go and reread old crap, the subtle difference that arises, before i become this monster of an asshole, and i feel like i'm reading some novel where your soul hurts because a good character goes evil.
and i'm not forgiven, and maybe i shouldn't be--especially not in the light of my grudge-bearing of late. the ego tries to say there is a difference... the ego says, "but i forgive when it is asked. when there is admittance."
but the ego is missing the point.
an excerpt, written last night:
"Navigating the path becomes more and more difficult, as the light seems to fade away, step by step. I see the utter blackness ahead of me, and I approach it, though in these dreams, it is never reached.
The same emotions always grow as I follow this completely unbeaten path. First, the curiosity. Then, apprehension. Everything drips with such potential, like doors opening into my very mind. I wonder where I am headed, to what depths this dark forest goes...
But the deeper I venture, the more swiftly my emotions change. Uncertainty. Anger. Fear. And ultimately, just before the darkness becomes absolute, the fury."
saw a wedding today, walking 'home.' just, in riverwalk park, on the edge of the lake. it was small, and the couple was young and beautiful. the girl looked astonishingly like eve. which was kind of trippy. it was beautiful and sad and powerful all at the same time. the guy cried a little when he was giving his vows. i thought it was pretty amazing, the dude couldn't have been more than 19 or 20--gelled hair, one pierced ear--definitely not old enough to think that crying is okay.
chelan is pretty great. been spending lots of time with oro, and keep running into random people i'm looking for, in unexpected places. kye in the middle of the street, chris at the skate park...
man, the skate park. pretty rad how fast it all comes back, even after not skating for a year. and, yeah, the average age of kids there is probably around 13. ooooolllld.
i'm enjoying my time here, but it is tiring to feel like i'm constantly more excited to see people than they are excited to see me. wtf. million things to write, none of them belong here.
eddy and jaymie surprised me last week, calling/waking me at 11 in the morning--such an awesome surprise. alex and his 'crew' came up the next day (less surprising, just as great), and we watched the dark knight in imax.
on tuesday, i got accepted to SFSU (yesss), which was incredibly validating. went to the campus, met with my graduate advisor, and felt a very potent sense of 'guilty pleasure,' walking across a university quad, once again. rationally, the guilt is completely out of place, but i'm really glad that i felt it in such a surge, guilt notwithstanding. i am excited to go back to school. just to get back into the... world of intellectual stimulation, of feeling like ideas are coming and going and all over the place. ... i don't really know if that makes sense, and i guess i'm really just saying,i'm eager to get back into the world of academia. (wtf).
i'm in bremerton, which is just outside seattle. few weeks will be spent in chelan (yessss), but my time in and around seattle has been pretty cool. hung out with jo, and it was surprisingly comfortable and... natural? which, admittedly, was my hope, but perhaps not my expectation? anyway. things, in the greater seattle area, are going well.
read "way of the peaceful warrior" today. it's really good, and i really need to read it again, like most books (of this sort), but it's too soon perhaps. there were many good things to take from it, but i suppose more will come when i can read through it and don't feel like i'm devouring it.
"Anger is stronger than fear, stronger than sorrow. Your spirit is growing. You are ready for the sword."
more, later.