<later>
in a spur-of-the-moment decision, i bought plane tickets to seattle, for this coming thursday. gonna stay for just shy of a month, mainly in chelan, though there will certainly be a few days on either end of this trip in seattle, during which i'd love to see the bridgets and the joannas, if either of them read this and don't yet know of my impending trip.
still waiting to hear back from SFSU, but i feel pretty confident that it's going to be fine. it's a state school, for crying out loud. and my cover letter was awesome.
thinking about not bringing my computer when i go up to chelan. will suck not having a computer to 'write' on, but then, i do enjoy having the 'first draft' feeling of physically writing, which makes it so easier to 'second draft' it when i transcribe it onto the computer.
really, though, i'm just looking forward to seeing murial (god, i am), spending hours upon hours at the park, in the lake, and hanging out with all the kids half my age at the skate park.
i will miss the yoga, though. but i bet i can find a class to crash.
i'm going to miss burning man because of this chelan trip, but i think it's probably wisest, anyway. money will be tighter after this trip, needing to buy a new bike, and trying to exist job-less throughout my first semester (or two) in school.
new zack de la rocha album is out, duet album with the ex-drummer from the mars volta. ("one day as a lion"). it's pretty good, even if it feels a slight lack without tom morello (um, could i name drop anymore?). although, it is super cool to hear him sing stuff that i don't know. and the opening song (this one), is pretty darn awesome.
i'm excited to leave.
so, the dark knight pretty much lived up to its hype. which is saying something, for hollywood hype. yes, it was awesome; yes, it was dark; yes, heath ledger was amazing... but i feel like i left the theater with the slightest feeling of discontent. and i wish it wasn't simply because of the over-hype, the "we're interested because heath ledger died," the band-wagon mentality.
sigh. it's juvenile, really, because it was so good. he was so good. and (highlight for spoilers) i love it when main characters are killed off in ways that make the viewers/readers be all, "no!" so, yeah, it was really good. if you haven't already see it, go, 'cause it's worth seeing in the theaters.
not too much else going on. i'm like half-an-inch from finally being admitted into SFSU, and the suspense is totally, now, getting to me. went and did financial aid stuff, and in the back of my mind, i'm like, 'wait, what if all my transcripts were turned in too late?' i guess i mean it's just hard to commit, fully, to the idea of "SCHOOL STARTS IN A MONTH." like, freaking a, school, papers, studying, what am i getting myself back into?
i made pad thai yesterday, and while i messed up in like a dozen ways, it's got some serious potential. i need to try and experiment making different dishes more often. i also need to start writing again.
haven't seen you-know-who in yoga for a couple weeks now. totally scared her off. or, you know, she's on vacation or something, and i need to just let go of this silly sense of self-importance. either way, this song really says it best. 'cause i sure as hell notice when certain people aren't around.
so i thought i'd give you an excerpt. 'cause it's been a while, and 'cause, well... i pinky-swore.
I can hear the whispers, but I can't make out what's being said. My daishen at my side, stained crimson. The town I'm in--its name eluding me--is empty, but I can't seem to figure out why. I wander, searching in fervor, but with no idea of what is sought. Nothing but empty buildings, some rising smoke, and not a single body.
For a brief moment, I see Eve at my side, hair a mass of curls, smiling broadly as her warm hand grasps mine. She's wearing a white gown, light and silken. I smile in spite of my self--at least she's here, I think in consolation. I move to look twice, but she's already gone.
It all feels too vacant, too hollow, and I find myself at the edge of the village. It is completely empty. Smoldering ruins, bloodstained earth, and discarded weapons betray the struggle, but there are no remnants of life. I wonder who was responsible. The whispers grow louder as I leave the village. They say the same thing--over and over and over and over and over again--but I can't make them out. I push them from my mind as I move toward the forest.
Everything starts to shift, going fuzzy as if the scene wishes to change, but the green ahead of me--the green toward the east--it fades to black with such clarity, keeping me in the moment. There's a pull, a desire to enter, to step off my path, but I resist.
Even in my dreams, I resist.
I take a few steps down the path, eying the trees at my side with great interest. Perhaps if I can just get a glimpse of what causes this pull, I think, of what beckons with such potency...
After a few moments, there is a sort of clearing. Many trees had been knocked down, as if a massive beast had carved a path directly into the forest. Dusk is approaching, and the shift of green to black grows more pronounced.
A cave, I realize, is the complete blackness I see. I am amused by the illusion, and feel no surprise by the movement of something emerging. It is a hooded man, and I watch--transfixed--as he approaches. A part of me is wary, perhaps afraid, and I become aware that my hands are empty. I look down at them, then back at the man as he stops in front of me. His robe is dark and somehow sinister--covering his entire body. He smells of a wood-fire, to a nauseating degree.
"It appears that I have misplaced my daishen," I say.
He smiles, and finally I feel fear. True fear. His teeth are abnormally long, and his grin is much too wide, inhuman and grotesque. But it's his eyes I can't tear my gaze from. Blackened, full of liquid charcoal. He is perhaps the scariest thing I have ever seen, I think slowly. I'm tiny, I realize, nothing but a pawn before him. He grabs me, with giant claw-like hands, and starts dragging me toward his cave. I am terrified, but wholly unable to scream, trying to dig my fingers into the ground. Foot by foot, I'm pulled into the dark, leaving nothing behind but long scratches in the dirt.
the past few days have not been spectacular.
my bike was stolen on sunday. middle of the day, while i was in a yoga class with ronnie in the castro district. it was locked up (i still have the key), which means the chain-thing was cut. ... at 11 on a sunday morning. there's maybe two physical things i have that i really care about. that i really appreciate, that i feel any attachment towards. the 'lesser' of these is my laptop. and the one that is in at least a few senses more important, and, in a sense, more irreplacable, was my bike.
god i loved that bike so much. from seattle to trout lake to chelan to fremont to san francisco. it was, essentially, my car, except a million times more awesome than a car. light as hell, and just so fast--could coast on that thing forever.
it sounds a little silly. but, really, if you've gotta have an attachment to something physical... i think a bike's a pretty good 'thing' to have.
and now it's gone. not really sure what i did karmically to deserve it. in fact, i can't really think of anything. i wish it meant good things had to happen now, to balance it out. and as long as i'm dreaming, i'd like a pony.
there is, unfortunately, nothing else going on. fairly miserable existence here in the SF right now. but that's probably just this week talking. you know. this week?
i did it, and i can't really believe that i did. ... what was i thinking? though i guess the only real disappointment was that i didn't get to see her when she got it. poor planning on my part.
this song is amazing.
"now i realize, i realize they were wrong,
'cause what happens in vegas, don't take very long..."
... tomorrow is my last official day at work, even though i'm working like 3 days next week, to help with scheduling woes. on the plus side, i never have to work with the canadian bitch again. so, there's that.
"every time i hear my telephone
ring it can't possibly be you
you never call
not since my little accident."
i thought, being in the post-secret-admirer stage, that the 'do nothing' game wouldn't phase me. 'it's an act without motive, without benefit, without result.' or so i told myself. almost purely selfless, as the intent is just to make someone else's day, as i get no tangible benefit. ... yet validation is still craved. ... hm.
all kinds of ridiculousness.