<later>
i could lie and pretend i'm opening up this text-editor, making a post about something else, but then, i'd be lying. or so you've heard.
she came by again, today. my mind sort of jumps into hyperdrive, remembering subtle details and big details, body language, the song that's playing, the way a smile can remain polite yet so genuine at the same time, the faint freckles that seem so unreal--so often hidden from the eye.
it's new and exciting and unique and all kinds of silliness.
she's got a boyfriend (but hey, anna, at least she's straight, right?), which i expected, so it doesn't suck as it much as i thought it would.
i'm so good about 'the power of positive thought' when i really believe it. when things should be random, but i swear to God they're not--this happens quite often in warcraft, to be honest, but yoga is no exception. nor the days when the back hurts, or doesn't hurt, or how good my refried black beans are going to turn out. it works and i know it does.
but i can't make it work with this girl. except, that's misleading. i'm not making it work with this girl. i 'knew' she had a boyfriend, just as i 'knew' she wouldn't be in class on wednesday or thursday. the power of negative thought. but this knowing is a conscious effort. just as i can 'know' it's going to be warlock/priest when the arena gate opens (TRAIN THE LOCK LOL), why can't i let myself 'know' that we are going to interact, get to know each other, and before today, that she'd be single? why not?
what am i so afraid of?
subjective beauty cannot be overstated. the power it holds over me, at this point in my life, is pretty ridiculous. music is just as strong an example, or the types of yoga classes i'm preferring (hello, elise). so it only makes sense that i'm allowing this to take such hold. someone who made me redefine my own fantasy of subjective perfection. (guess who doesn't have red hair)
it's foolish, god i know, and i feel foolish for how smitten i have become... but i also feel driven to create, to improve, to be more. and fuck me, it's been a long time since i've felt this way.
i wish i were a better writer.
www.asofterworld.com/oq-display.php?id=64
but then, i guess we all wish a lot of things.
so today, i'm working with ronnie at the juice bar, and it's a nice shift from the past few days: cold weather (finally) so we're actually not busting our balls trying to keep the throng of missionians' thirsts abated. just chillin'.
and the mystery yoga girl walks up, bright red shirt, her tattoo peaking out of the top. i gawk, even if unnoticed, and she orders a smoothie specifically without dairy.
"i know you from yoga, right?"
(smile) "yeah."
"hi, i'm nate."
"i'm anna."
you're god damn right i initiated! additionally, i gave her an extra acai pack in her smoothie, so later, she'll be all, "that was the best smoothie i've ever had." and i'll be like, "yeah, i lift."
also, she has freckles, faintly, all across her face. funny what details escape us in the dim light of the yoga studio.
as i said to ronnie, mere minutes later: "um, oh my god."
i believe there are two types of beauty. there's the objective, and the subjective. now, surely this distinction exists in nearly all forms of quantifiable whatever, but i think it's an important distinction with beauty.
the objective is quite different than the subjective. rainbows, waterfalls, pristine mayan ruins: few would dispute their beauty. you could even say the same thing about some people--scarlett johansson, or lucy liu, anyone?--but this is perhaps less common. i guess i'm just trying to say, that there is something objective about their beauty, something almost all can/will appreciate.
the other, subjective, is a whole different category. for some, blue is the most beautiful color. maybe it's green, maybe it's a ruby-red. subjectively, we all have our 'preferences,' combinations or colors or freckles or what-ever. and i'm a firm believer that this latter type of beauty, the subjective, is more important. maybe important is the wrong word. maybe it's just more powerful.
all this said, there is a girl in my yoga classes that is subjectively, without doubt, the most beautiful person i have ever seen. she looks kind of like natalie portman, except better proportioned, and (the kicker) has a tattoo covering the entirety of her back. in terms of subjective attraction, i'd be lying if i used any other word except 'perfect.'
and, of course, i don't even know her name (yet).
hm.
life has been somewhat of a blur for the past couple months. work has become something to be dreaded, and i'm planning on taking a yoga-teacher-training program in the fall, because i'm tired of suck jobs. writing on my story has taken a slight hiatus, and i'm not sure why. it's hard to feel creative energy in my room, which is weird, but true. it doesn't help that, like, 3 people read/responded to what i sent everyone back in april. wtf.
i'll try to write on a semi-regular basis, again. the lack of creativity kind of gets to me.